I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
As shirtless as possible
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
