where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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