the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
