Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
