Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
