please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
