I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
