4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
