I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i think i have two assholes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
third nipple confirmed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
