just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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