Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
