the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
