It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
