6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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