You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
