i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
