i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
