never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
