Are we in a gay sports bar?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
