If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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