Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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