dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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