My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
