I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
