I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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