The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
