She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
