if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
