when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
did i just pee glitter
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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