My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
