I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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