Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
