Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
