Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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