Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
