I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
