he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
