Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
