remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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