Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
