your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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