Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
