Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
