i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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