Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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