I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
