My friends, they love my intelligence
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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