Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
