this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
