It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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