I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just saw a hot homeless man
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
