My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
