According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Two words: nipple clamps
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