i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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