after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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