Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
