Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
