I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
