Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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