He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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