Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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